Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Shenanigans or how I hate fear and love the gym.

I hate fear. {Not the awesome movie with my love Mark Wahlburg (Nicole 4 eva)}but I hate being afraid.

A few years ago, I used to be afraid to go into a grocery store by myself. I hated shopping alone and going to the library. I always needed someone with me or I just wouldn't go. Go to the gym? Forget it. Have a movie date with myself? Not a chance. Eat alone in a restaurant? You must be kidding.

I walked my dogs today and I tried to figure out if I had always been afraid. Was it before or after dating a volatile bi polar bf who got too happy with his fists and had to be left? I know that during that time I was a completely different person and that I definitely couldn't do anything alone. I tried to remember my life before that and I know that I may have been less afraid of people but I was still extremely self conscious.

I hated my fear of being alone in public. Then I did something and took control of my life.

I surrounded myself with love. With my best friend. With people who wanted the best for me. I started loving myself and the last few years have been nothing short of amazing.

I sat in the pool today reading a book and relaxing after an hour workout with a personal trainer and I.felt.amazing. I swam laps for an hour yesterday and floated on my back in a pool of complete strangers and felt alive. I go anywhere I want and do what I want and even when I was scared to workout and perhaps fail at the exercises I didn't stop. I just shrugged it off and did what I had to do.

I mean Harry Potter had it right when what he feared the most was fear itself. So while he got his patronus, I got my self confidence back and we got rid of fear.

Without fear I have room to love alot of things.

I am currently loving:

Panera's lemonade, tuna salad on multi grain, and an apple for a side. When I feel like a good meal, I head on over with a book and have the most relaxing lunch/dinner. They post the calories so I know what I'm eating and it helps me make responsible choices.

Buying books from the library. Just picked up Water for Elephants, The Time Travelers Wife, and a bunch of Alice Hoffman novels in perfect condition. For a $1 I'm getting new books and helping the library. Seriously they put out a ton of new books by a ton of authors so it's a money saver and helpful at the same time.

Going to the gym. What?? Loving it? Why yes, I am. I love to sweat. I love seeing results and I love that I'm giving my body love. With Matt, Rachel, Steph, Alexa, and so many others getting in shape, it feels great knowing we're all trying to be healthy and feel good. I recently got a trainer and whileI might hate on her some days, I will pretty much hate how much I love her for helping me.

True Blood. {the link is to my fav fan site} I seriously can't get enough of this show. This week having Sookie say "Shut the fuck up", Eric's fantasy of them, Bill actually being sexy at the end, and the yumminess of Alcide plus Layfayette being all tough after Eric saves him. Awesome. Even better? Someone finally taping and shutting Tara's mouth up.

So at the end of the day, it's about learning and knowing who you are. I hate people who are rude to the customer service industry, don't say please and thank you, who leave a mess at restaurants and don't tip. I love my local librarians, my best friend, cool whip, horses, and pretty colored toe nails.

Life is about balance and finding what works.




andygirl said...


good on you for taking control of your life! it only gets better, I promise!

you are gonna *love* Water for Elephants. at least, I did.

and I think that everyone should have to work customer service at some point in their lives. it make you a nicer person.

JPO said...

Awww....that was a sweet post.

You really can be nice....If you try, really really hard :)


Candy said...

Good for you for finding such a happy balance in your life. It's always great to do nice things for yourself- reading, working out, eating well- and it sounds like you're really taking care of yourself, I'm happy for you xx

becca said...
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Anonymous said...

haha, I cracked up when Sookie said STFU too! It was pretty funny. LOVE the pink nailpolish. Definitely a color I would wear!

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